Using a retired New York Police officer (because New York is so similar to the vast majority of the country, right?), The Today Show gave this advice:
"Most people don't realize this, but they leave their car keys downstairs," Zeins said. "Bring your car keys up. Alarm systems are very expensive, and this is a loud one. All you have to do is hit the keys. They don't realize it, but it's the best alarm system, and doesn't cost them a penny."
Zeins also suggests keeping another item in your bedroom: "Buy a can of wasp hornet spray in the hardware store or the supermarket, keep it by your bedside or the floor," he said. "It's more powerful than police Mace.
"The great part is, when you spray, it will go 20 to 25 feet," Zeins added. An intruder hit with the spray will be temporarily blinded. Please check your state and local laws on the legality of using these sprays for self-defense.
Zeins has another tip: Sleep with all your bedroom doors open. You want your kids to hear what's going on; then you can get the family all in one place and leave together.
That's right boys and girls, you don't need a home alarm, you don't need deadbolts, you just need bug spray! Sucker! You spent 500 bucks on a Glock and a thousand dollars in ammo and training when all you need was a five dollar can of bug spray.
What? Huh? Someone tried it and it didnt work?
That right, a Seattle couple tried bug spray on a home invader. Didn't work. You know what did? Stabbing him 10 times with a butcher knife.
Never underestimate the stupidity of the media. The Today Show had an even more feckless answer for how to handle a home intruder:
In a worst-case scenario — if you are captured by an intruder, like Susan Dawson — you should cooperate and tell them where the valuables are, Zeins advises.
"You tell them exactly where it is. You want to get them out of there as quickly as you can," he said. "Remember, treat them like royalty. On top of that, you don't want to lie to them."
- Don't get an alarm - your car alarm is just fine
- Don't get a gun - wasp spray is just fine
- Be a coward - being a victim is just fine
There you have it folks. Zero to full retard in 4 minutes, 16 seconds.